KO Prize Assembly ~ Esther Greenwood

     Throughout my life, I've been the kind of person who spends a lot of time thinking, speculating and just overall, analyzing the world around me. What is the meaning of life, anyway? Why am I here? What miraculous achievement was I destined to accomplish in my short, negligible lifetime? Some like to believe that we were all brought to this world with a purpose. Some say that our fates and destinies are predetermined, and no matter what actions we take in our lives, these destinies and fates will never truly diverge from the original, preordained disposition. I, personally, like to think of life in a more artistic sense. Sharon Salzberg, highly-esteemed author and teacher of Buddhist meditation, perfectly explained my impression the relationship between destiny and life's many occurrences by saying, "Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope; a slight change, and all patterns alter." So maybe, our lives really aren't so restricted to the fixed arrangements that are generated by our supposedly, inevitable fates. It almost seems as though we have the ability to alter and customize the outcomes that come upon us. With this all in mind, it can be implied that every action we make is so valuable and vital, since they each hold so much relevance to the conclusions of our existential journeys. 

      I'm making my way to the hockey rink, where we hold our annual Prize Assembly. Here, students and faculty are honored with awards for achievements in a variety of fields such as academics, athletics and even the arts. It's pretty cold in here, at least in comparison to how bright and sunny it is outside. I kind of like it though, the cheery, springy outdoors can be kind of overwhelming sometimes. I've come to these Prize Assemblies, and year after year I leave, feeling unaccomplished and incompetent. I work hard to be successful, I always have. I guess that's something that just comes along with being a self-critical overachiever with a high standards. Every time I make my way up onto the stage to receive my award, I feel a slight warmth inside me. Everyone at Kingswood Oxford is so friendly and caring. The praise I receive here is absolutely wonderful. I would think to myself, maybe I'm doing something right, maybe this will put me onto a path of grand success, maybe this is what I was "destined" to do However, no matter how inspired and satisfied I feel in the spur of the moment, there always is that underlying pessimism that shortly finds it's way into my head. I always remember the fact that there are so many achievements out there that I didn't meet the qualifications for. The smug, proud expressions on their faces just remind of how no matter how many times I succeed, these successes are always accompanied with even more failures. At this point, I've just started dreading coming to these functions, but no matter how much I argue with my mother, she always finds a way to get me to go.

     Why should I be putting so much emphasis on such irrelevant and worthless achievements? These don't mean anything. They won't alter the patterns within the kaleidoscope of my life. For all I know, KO could just be awarding me because they feel bad for me. They know I don't deserve it; they see how much of a failure I truly am and so, in an attempt to show their commiserations, they create the delusion that I'm worthy of being rewarded for achievements that I didn't even effectuate. Nobody, not even someone who's as much of a disappointment like me, deserves such humiliation and ridicule. Maybe it's not even out of pity; maybe they're just trying to publicize how much of shameful dereliction I am by putting me on that stage, especially when I have no good reason for being on their in the first place.