As I stroll around the campus of the modern prep school
Kingswood Oxford, I am struck by how much it reminds me of the special hospital
where I lived for a while. Tall trees, bright flowers, and faculty with giant
smiles provide a constant reminder that this is a place where I am supposed to feel
comfortable, safe and happy. Unfortunately I cannot share this sentiment. I can only
concentrate on how out of place I seem in my long skirt and high heels. Young
women here do not seem to be as proper as I am, nor as ladylike. Instead they
laugh and hug, trotting around in tiny garments with their equally
underdressed, elated friends. What happened to the demure young ladies of my
elite college? Clearly times have changed.
As I continue to walk toward the building where I will meet
the English teacher who wanted to discuss poetry with me, students seem to give
me questioning glances, as though they’re above me. I despise people with
superior attitudes. If only Doctor Nolan were here, she would understand my
agitation. But today I have to focus on my meeting, in hopes that the teacher I
have come to speak with can set me up with a job. Maybe once I can get a steady
internship I’ll be able to write better poetry. As I continue to mull over job
opportunities, immediately discarding anything involving shorthand, a boy who
looks too much like someone from my past stops me in my tracks. He has the same
blue collared sweater, the same long khakis, and the same smug smile as Buddy
Willard. Breathing deeply, I remind myself that Buddy is back in the TB
hospital, far far away. I have no reason to think about him, or worry about him
coming to find me. Once I get a job, I figure I will be busy enough to forget about
the horrible incidents involving Buddy for once and for all. For now, though, I
am reduced to visiting the campus of ‘above average’ students, wishing I could
understand the drive behind their inexplicable constant happiness.
This post did a great job of capturing Esther's constant emptiness; you described the environment around her at KO, and it was analogous to how she felt about Belsize. Esther finds negative things in everything at KO, from the way girls dress to the students giving her weird looks, and it really recreates Esther's eternal sadness. I like how you incorporated the thought that Esther would feel better once she got a job at KO because in the book she was constantly chasing after success in her career to feel better about herself.
ReplyDeleteHi Emma,
ReplyDeleteAs Neil points out, you show how Esther's self-doubt and inadequacies follow her to KO. You do a good job capturing Esther's voice as she judges those around her and fears judgment as well. I love Esther's sudden fear that she has spotted Buddy Willard--KO is just the kind of place a Buddy Willard might show up. It's not entirely clear from your post whether Esther is interviewing for a job at KO or is meeting with the teacher who will be a connection in another way. What else would Esther think about the more liberal environment of 2015?