I walked hesitantly up the cement steps wearing my rather
tacky designer brand pumps into the cafeteria, unsure of what to expect. I let
my body float along the ceaseless waves of students, as the tide pulled me into
the hot lunch line amongst everyone else. I became so enthralled and disgusted
at the desperate chatter of schemes to catch boyfriends from the teenage girls
in back of me, I didn’t notice my moving spot in line. The girls talked about
how they needed to find a well-to-do high school sweetheart to marry off to right
after graduation so that they can willingly throw their lives away, and were just
about as artificial as their acrylic nails. I was brought back into reality
when a croaky voice grumbled “I said,
what do you want?” I quickly pointed at whatever meat was in front of me and reluctantly
grabbed the plate while managing to whisper a rushed thank you.
I felt as though a thousand pairs of eyes shot daggers into
my chest as I weaved in and out of tables, trying to find a seat. It seemed
like several breathless minutes until I was able to scout out a chair in an
empty corner. I dashed for the opening when I felt my foot catch, and the
checkerboard floor hit the side of my forehead with a bang. “I’m so sorry!” a pair of big brown eyes
exclaimed while reaching out a hand to lift me up. “Are you alright? Here let
me help you pick up your-“
I was flying from the claustrophobic café and out the double
doors before the big brown eyes could finish. I realized I had been holding in
my breath, and took in the fresh air as I leaned against the cool brick
wall, hoping that maybe if I stayed there long enough, I would fade away.
I think you did a really good job at capturing the internal persona of Esther. Through your post, you can clearly tell that Esther has a more cynical and pessimistic outlook on the world around her. With the sentence, "The girls talked about how they needed to find a well-to-do high school sweetheart to marry off to right after graduation so that they can willingly throw their lives away, and were just about as artificial as their acrylic nails," you were also able to patently express Esther's internal skepticism towards the social norms of living a "cookie-cutter life," where you just find the "love of your life and live happily ever after." I like how you highlighted the fact that Esther doesn't confront her problems head-on, rather she resorts to running away from them and hiding. I really love how you ended the excerpt with the concluding mini-paragraph, "...I would fade away," is a really great way to end the piece, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThere honestly isn't much that I would personally change, other than maybe adding more internal dialogue and just going more in depth with details about what's going on around her. Like, why was she so disgusted with the conversations of these girls? Or, you could embellish more on the thoughts running through her mind, as she scrambled to find a seat. Does she have friends? Does she have social phobia?
Just a little more detailing, but otherwise I think it's pretty solid.
Hi Kayla,
ReplyDeleteYou've done a great job echoing Plath's style as you get inside Esther's head. As Gabrielle points out, you effectively reveal Esther's criticism of a traditional "cookie-cutter life," but would girls at KO in 2015 really be talking about finding a sweetheart to marry right after graduation? Consider the ways that young women today would be different from the 1950s. What would Esther think of some of the conversations you and your friends have? :)